Poetry: Inmate X

An affliction of the mind
That is never kind
It eats me up like a cancer
Bit by bit

Piece by piece
Paranoia has arrived
Who’s been following me?
Who’s watching me?

I see everything and nothing
It’s the fear of failure but,
Being lazy, lethargic and unproductive
It’s a nightmare

The voices in your head
Make you wish you were dead
Chatter, chatter, chatter
Natter, natter, natter

Walking under your own storm cloud
Wrapped in a paranoid shroud
Saying every and anything
Not caring; always swearing

Thunder and lighting
Are always fighting
Inside my mind
O full of scorpions it is

I want friends but not to socialize
It’s selfish and hypocritical
Always in conflict with social norms
Hiding in my psychological dorms

Wanting to be alone but not lonely
It’s being emotional yet pragmatic
It’s being sad and then ecstatic
My mind is a jumble of stuff

It’s having a paradox of feelings
Whilst sitting on the ceiling
Then the static shock of numbness

The glass is what?
Empty or full?
Why not both?
No logic or reason
It’s almost psychological treason

All food tastes the same
Your senses are numb
And nothing is fun
Exploring your psychological avenues
Like an unproductive bum

Week after week
Month after month
Under the duvet
With the lights off

Not eating
Not washing
Forever alone
Zero contact

You feel hunger
But eating is a bore
Then you lay on the floor

Your family wants to hate you
You push them away for their own safety
You become erratic and unpredictable

The anger and the rage
I’m an animal, lock me up in cage
Like Grodd, I know what you’re thinking
Without even blinking

I am lashing out
Killing for sport
I sap others’ happiness
Because I have none
Much alike the Evil Queen Regina

I am revelling in the pain of others
Am I sociopath? Do I belong in Arkham?
I am remorseless and thriving
And always conniving

Utterly without mercy
The darkness descends
And I sit in my doorless, windowless room
The satanic abyss eats me whole

A bottomless pit of my own seclusion
I am a recluse and there is no escape
Hovering around like water vapour

Never eating
Never drinking
Laying in bed
But never sleeping
The suicidal tendencies

This how it starts
The fever, the rage
The feeling of powerlessness
That turns good men, cruel

Spontaneous bursts of hate
Only the unloved hate
And most of us do feel unloved
Neglected and constantly in
Conflict with our inner demons
Our Jekyll and Hyde so to speak

Over analysing everything
Minor details that don’t matter
And trivial bits of tatter

Fast talking and stuttering
Talking to one’s self and muttering
Being completely silent
And unpredictably violent

Zoned out but not stoned
And having constant fits where
All we do is moan and groan

The inquisitive
The black sheep
The ones that go bleep

The weird ones
The loners
You might call them nerds
But I’d rather, one-man herds

The anger in the pit of my gut
That makes me want to vomit
The shaking and vibrating
Whilst gazing at a comet

The panic attacks
Perceived as lunatics
Mad as a hatter
Wide eyed, sweating, always jumpy
This is a daily horror and the ride is bumpy

Telling everyone you’re fine
But I want to drown myself in wine
Consistently walking through one’s dreamscape
Wandering the hallways of my mind

Mental illness is an incurable disease
It can’t be seen
It can’t be touched
It can only be felt

Then people say it’s not real
Get over it they say
Take a walk in my shoes and I’ll give
You a medal, and then some

Have a ponder in my psychological hallways
Walk through the doors
Red, green, blue
Many doors and many floors
All with a different story
Some are happy but more are gory

Some bad
Some good
Some weird
And misunderstood

Ever heard the saying, you’re a kite
Dancing in a hurricane?
Well, I’m the hurricane and everyone
else is the kite

Normal people just feel so stupid to me
My IQ is triple theirs
Despite only obtaining an E in A Level English

It’s hypocritical I know
Arrogant, pompous, two-faced
I’m not Harvey Dent
Shall we flip coin?

And here, I walk for days on end
Walking through the doors of my psyche
Talking to Dr Jekyll and Hyde
Characters of fandom
And now I leave my thoughts to chatter in random

Welcome to Tahiti
It’s a magical place